Newt Gingrich Stands Up for Family Values

Desperately tries to repeal gay marriage before he is forced to bang another staffer.

Newt Gingrich, a man who believes so strongly in traditional marriage that he has tried it three times, has waged a desperate and clandestine war to repeal gay marriage in Iowa. The twice-divorced former Speaker of the House, who currently lives with a woman 23 years his junior that he was banging behind his second wife’s back while frothing at the mouth about Bill Clinton’s blowjob, funneled $200,000 to groups seeking to unseat Iowa’s pro-gay marriage Supreme Court justices – including $125,000 to the virulently anti-gay “American Family Association.”

A spokesman for Gingrich confirmed that the dough-faced pundit had become increasingly concerned that if gay people were allowed to marry, he would have no choice but to seek out a IHOP waitress and foist his pasty white man-flesh upon her while his third wife and children look on in abject horror.

“It’s a real possibility,” said an unnamed Gingrich insider. “He served his first wife with divorce papers while she was still recovering in the hospital from cancer. Jesus Christ, if he was willing to do that to her then, imagine what he’ll do if two gay men are allowed to live together in a committed, loving relationship? Farm animals might be involved.”

The March to Keep Fear (of Divorce) Alive

We live in frightening times. In New York they are building an Islamic cultural center (or “victory/death mosque”) based on the YMCA. Have you ever been inside the locker-room in a YMCA? All this so-called “cultural center” is doing is providing me with yet another place where I can accidentally see some old guy’s junk — and that terrifies me.

But the real people we need to be afraid of are divorcees. They are destroying the very moral fabric of this country. Our Founding Fathers didn’t get divorced! They bought slaves and had sex with them, but they didn’t get divorced! And that’s important.

The liberal elites want us to be “reasonable.” They want us to tone our rhetoric down. If we lost all of our irrational fear, how would we know who to blindly vote against?

That’s why Rescue Marriage will be proudly and angrily shouting in Washington, D.C., on October 30th, with Stephen Colbert to drown out the voices of reason and keep fear alive!

If you want to join us in D.C., join our event on Facebook, or drop us a line by e-mail: As details of the rally are revealed, we’ll keep you in the loop about where we are meeting and what we are planning.

I’d also recommend picking up a shirt, because they will know us by our catchy slogans.

We’re also starting a fundraiser for the event on the right with a goal to raise $1000 to buy t-shirts, buttons and signs to give away at the rally to spread our message of fear and intolerance of divorce far and wide. Please donate if you can.

Gay pirates threaten sanctity of traditional peer-to-peer networks

A lawsuit was recently filed charging that 53 users of the popular bittorrent file sharing service were actually, in fact, pirating gay pornography. I’ve always suspected pirates were gay — with the puffy shirts, decorative birds and movies featuring Orlando Bloom, but this was the first time I had hard evidence that pirates actually are gay.

Gay pirates sully the traditional use for the Internet: straight porn. Just knowing that somewhere out there a gay pirate getting his “timbers shivered” via a viewing of You’ve Got Male diminishes the sanctity of my own screening of Buffy the Vampire Layer.

It’s “peer-to peer” not “queer-to-queer.” That rhymes, so it’s probably true.

Bachelor revealed to have “gay tendencies”

According to The Huffington Post, Jake Pavelka, the fastidiously groomed and often shirtless “Bachelor” from Season 14 of the show of the same title, has been revealed as a man with “gay tendencies” by other contestants from the hit show from completely different seasons who barely know him.

“I think he has gay potential and definitely gay tendencies,” a bachelorette from Season 12 said.

It’s hard to argue with a nameless woman who may never have met Jake. And the news gets worse from there.

Paul Rosseau, who appeared on Season 4 of The Bachelorette, agrees.

“I definitely think he has gay tendencies, not only because of the way he dresses but also because he didn’t want to have sex with a beautiful girl and never really tried with the other girls on the show,” he told Radar. “Nothing personal, Jake!”

If these rumors from people Jake has never met are true, it would explain his deviation from the show’s award-winning formula. Normally, the Bachelor is expected to whore it up with 25 women at once as television crews record every sleazy moment before narrowing it down to two women. He then sleeps with both in a 48 hour time frame — in their parents’ homes if possible — before selecting one arbitrarily and proposing to her while the smell of her rival’s sex still clings to his naked man-flesh.

According to Jakes “fiancée” Vienna, Jake refused to have premarital sex with her on multiple occasions, claiming he was tired, he didn’t feel like it and that he preferred to wait for marriage.

The Bachelor is a great example of the esteem with which Americans hold the holy institution of marriage. It is a sacred bond between a man, a woman, the 24 other women he just banged and a television audience numbering in the millions. If the completely unsubstantiated rumors that Jake is gay turn out to be true, it would make not only Jake’s sham of an engagement less sacred, but it would also cast doubt on the previous 13 contestants’ fake marriage proposals and sham relationships.

Added yet another person who probably never met Jake and refused to even give her name:

“Vienna told me, ‘I don’t think Jake is into girls,'” a friend of Vienna’s told Radar.

A damning piece hearsay from another unnamed source. The “facts” are incontrovertible: Jake Pavelka couldn’t be more gay if he quit the show to play Miranda in a cross-dressing stage production of Sex in the City.

An Open Letter to California

California’s ballot-initiative process is broken beyond repair—at least that’s what ABC 7 in Los Angeles and San Francisco concluded last year when they labeled me “the poster child for abuse of the ballot-initiative system.” They didn’t care for the initiative I filed, which would have banned divorce in the state of California.

Somehow, they got the impression that I was mocking Proposition 8; that I was using the political process to point out the hypocrisy of people who were eager to take rights away from gay people to protect “traditional marriage,” but were completely unwilling to give up their own rights to make marriage even more secure.

Even if that were true, the idea that I am abusing the system is absurd. I have no powerful or moneyed interests backing my cause. I gathered people to me on Facebook. I financed the effort with t-shirt sales. All of my signature gatherers were volunteers. I am an ordinary citizen. My cause is populism at its best.

The ballot initiative was designed to put power into the hands of the people, and that is exactly how we used it. We were doing it right—which is ultimately why we failed. If you want to see real abuse of the system, just look at your ballot on June 8th.

Look at Proposition 16. The deceptively titled “Taxpayer’s Right to Vote Act” is actually backed by more than $46 million from PG&E. Instead of empowering voters, Prop 16 would actually take their rights away—giving a minority the power to veto the creation or expansion of municipal power, and eliminating competition in the marketplace.

Study the Mercury Insurance-backed Proposition 17, which would enable insurance companies to levy outrageous surcharges to customers who have had a lapse in their coverage. Mercury claims the initiative will actually allow them to give increased discounts to drivers who maintain continuous coverage. Does anyone honestly believe that Mercury just paid $14.6 million for the right to give their customers bigger discounts?

The sad truth is that the ballot-initiative process that was originally designed to give power to the people has become instead a cynical way for the rich and the powerful to bypass the political process. Why buy a legislator when you can just buy legislation? If you hire enough people to stand in front of Wal*Mart, you can get anything on the ballot.

I am making my stand against cynicism. I’ve refiled my initiative to ban divorce. I’m prepping petitions and gathering volunteers. I’ve made it my goal to reclaim the ballot-initiative process for the people of California.

My detractors have said that if I were to succeed in getting a divorce ban on the ballot, if it were actually to become law, political anarchy would be the result. I would have made such a mockery of the ballot-initiative system that we would have no choice but to dismantle it and replace it with something else, something better.

Somehow, I’m willing to take that risk.

George Alan Rekers: Hetero Hero

George Alan Rekers has heterosexual cred. The Baptist minister is a founder of the Family Resource Council. As an officer for officer of NARTH, the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality, Rekers has written dozens of books on gender identity disorder in children, showing that homosexuality is a “disease” that can be cured through prayer and hard work.

With a record like that, it’s no wonder that the liberal media elitists have targeted Rekers after it was discovered that he hired a gay male escort to accompany him on a 10-day tour of Europe. It seems that Reverend Rekers had some recent surgery, and needed help with his bags, so he turned to the website to rent a boy as a “travel assistant.” That’s where he found Jo-Vanni Roman, whose profile describes his “smooth, sweet, tight ass” and “perfectly built 8 inch cock (uncut).” (This type of  information is actually needed to get a visa to visit Belgium.)

Roman (pictured above not helping with the bags) stated that he had engaged in naked massage sessions with Rekeres — perfectly understandable as Rekers no doubt needed some physical therapy after his surgery. Rekers stated that he “shared his Christian faith” with Jo-Vanni.

We here at RescueMarriage want to go on record as stating that we absolutely believe Rekers that someone was on their knees and someone else was yelling “Oh God! Oh God!” at some point during the trip.

Rekers has actually testified in two different states that homosexuals should not be allowed to adopt children because they might molest them. If the adoptive father of three truly believed that gays adopt to molest, and he was discovered to be a closeted, self-hating gay man with a penchant for young boys, he would be one of the creepiest, hypocritical bastards ever to walk the earth.

And that obviously isn’t true. If he was gay, he knew how to just pray it away. He literally wrote the book on the subject.

Gay zombie apocalypse

Recently, Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe presented a clear argument that should give anyone considering granting equal rights to gays pause: tolerating gay people causes zombies.

He thinks the issue of sexual preference should be excluded from the new constitution that is being drawn up by parties represented in the government of national unity.

“It is not worthy of discussion,” he declared at a ceremony to mark Women’s Day recently. “Those that engage in such acts are insane. We cannot tolerate this, otherwise the dead will rise against us.

Source: Global Post

Add this to the revelation a few weeks ago that  women who dress slutty cause earthquakes, and Pat Robertson’s  time-tested findings that Disney’s “Gay Days” cause hurricanes, and it is clear that we must deny gays as many rights as possible. If letting a lesbian ride the Matterhorn causes coastal flooding and giving them equal protection under the law causes the dead to rise from their graves, I’m positive that allowing gay people to marry would cause widespread bursitis … or maybe a plague of impeccably dressed wolf-men who shop exclusively at Pier 1.

To see how another blogger recently tempted fate and divine retribution with her cleavage, click on the link below. I recommend reading it as a cautionary tale — and also clicking around the site for pictures of boobs:

Although I didn’t notice any earthquakes, it did rain a lot recently. That has to be someone’s fault, so I’m blaming her fun bags

Larry King mounts a fresh assault on the sanctity of marriage

No one wants to think about what Larry King is doing in his private life. It stirs up disturbing imagery of women lashed to bedposts with clip-on suspenders while the air is pregnant with the twin scents of sex and Ben Gay. But since Larry can’t seem to keep his “Little King” in the broadcast booth, we have no choice but to think about the unthinkable:

Aging CNN talk-show legend Larry King is in the doghouse after explosive allegations surfaced that he bedded the beautiful younger sister of his wife of 13 years.

King, 76, filed for divorce from his seventh wife, Shawn Southwick, 50, in a Los Angeles court yesterday in the wake of the eye-popping allegations. It’s the suspenders-wearing chatmeister’s eighth trip to splitsville, as he divorced one of his wives twice.

The constant warring between Larry and Southwick got so intense, it erupted into a slap-fest outside a Beverly Hills restaurant on Feb. 7, Radar reported.

Source: Fox News

Given his history, it’s not surprising that Larry King would get divorced again. What is surprising is the lack of response from the traditional marriage establishment. There have been no public condemnations from the National Organization for Marriage, the Catholic Church or the Latter Day Saints — three organizations that have spent millions of dollars protecting traditional marriage from the evils of gayness.

Perhaps NOM was too busy waging its $500,000 war against Republican Senate candidate Tom Campbell who supports gay marriage to chime in.

Still you think at least one of those groups would be able to take a few moments to point out that Larry is on the express train to hell. Sometimes, it almost feels like they don’t even care.

Mike Huckabee is not an incestuous, drug-using, puppy-raper

Former Republican presidential hopeful and current ordained minister and Fox News host Mike Huckabee knows family values. And in a recent interview, he made it perfectly clear that gays and lesbians should not be allowed to marry, have civil unions, or especially to adopt children.

Huckabee went on to draw parallels between homosexuality and other lifestyles that are considered by some to be morally aberrant. “You don’t go ahead and accommodate every behavioral pattern that is against the ideal,” he said of same-sex marriage. “That would be like saying, well, there are a lot of people who like to use drugs, so let’s go ahead and accommodate those who want to use drugs. There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them. There are people who believe in polygamy, so we should accommodate them.”

He also affirmed support for a law in Arkansas that prohibits same-sex couples from becoming adoptive or foster parents. “I think this is not about trying to create statements for people who want to change the basic fundamental definitions of family,” Huckabee said. “And always we should act in the best interest of the children, not in the seeming interest of the adults.”

“Children are not puppies,” he continued. “This is not a time to see if we can experiment and find out, how does this work?”

Source: The Perspective

It takes a bold man to proudly proclaim that children are not puppies. It takes a bolder man to make sure that the public understands the dangers of homosexual couples adopting. Sure almost every single child in foster care was removed from the care of a heterosexual couple who lost their right to parenthood through either abuse or neglect, but which is actually worse: A mother who puts cigarette butts out on a child’s arm? Or the risk that a child might be repeatedly exposed to Lisa Minnelli albums?

If you chose Liza Minnelli, congratulations. You’re qualified to work as a contributor for Fox.